5 Tips for Managing Your Child’s Behavior in Public
Part of effectively managing child behavior is setting yourself up for success.
How often have you taken your child with you to run errands and you feel like you are walking on eggshells? You may find yourself walking through a store with your child crying and screaming next to you begging for another toy. The feeling of dread, embarrassment, and wanting to quickly find a way for them to calm down quicks in.
The good news is teaching your child how to behave in public is not as impossible as it may feel.
It’s a skill that is taught. With a plan in place, clear communication, consistent practice, and realistic expectations you can get there.
In this article, I will cover 5 tips that will help you feel better prepared when managing your child’s behavior outside of your home.
Ready? Let’s dive in!
Tip 1: Have a Plan.
Before your child can be successful, you must practice regularly and start small. Implement these short outings with the sole purpose of practicing. Don’t implement these practices when you are actually intending to get something done. Your goal in these initial practices is to teach your child how to behave in public.
Before you start your practice, make a list of the behaviors that are important to you. This will help you be clear on your expectations. Having clarity on your expectations will help you deliver the appropriate feedback and implement effective ways for your child to learn these behaviors.
Oftentimes, we may assume that our child knows what is expected of them. However, one of the first steps when creating change in behavior is to be mindful of how and what you are communicating with your child. The more clear you are about your expectations before you get into the situation, the better prepared your child will be in actually fulfilling those expectations.
After you have made your list of expectations, plan where you will practice and for how long.
Where would be an easier and more tolerable place to start these practices with your child? Going to CVS to pick up a few items will probably be easier than going to Costco for an entire grocery shopping spree.
It’s better to start easy since they are learning a new skill and we want them to feel successful. Feeling successful will help motivate them to keep practicing.
Most children cannot behave well in public for more than a few hours (and for some less). Also, it would be a good idea to try not to take your child out past his bedtime or during times when he is usually taking a nap). Your child feeling tired, hungry, or bored may also contribute to problem behaviors in public.
Many times children will particularly misbehave in public situations because they know that the parent(s) may not implement a consequence as consistently. To help prevent this, part of your planning process should include thinking about how you plan to implement a consequence for problem behavior.
Children don’t just learn through consequences. They also learn through rewards. Rewards do not need to be tangible such as buying them a toy or ice cream. Praise is one of the most effective ways of teaching children appropriate behavior, demonstrating approval, increasing motivation, and boosting self-esteem.
How do you plan on communicating praise to reinforce good behavior in your child?
Tip 2: Communicate the Plan.
Tell your child where you are going and how you want them to act.
Example: “We are going to walk in the park. I want you to stay right beside me on the sidewalk, and hold my hand while we walk.”
Notice, I am stating my expectations in a positive way. This means I am telling the child what I want them to do instead of telling them what I do not want them to do. Positively stated expectations help the child understand the appropriate behavior.
Language such as “don’t”, “no”, and “stop”, only tells the child what they are not supposed to do. However, it does not give the child clear guidance. We want the child to be successful. Therefore, part of that is clearly communicating in a way that allows them to understand the specific desired behavior.
Part of you communicating these behavioral expectations ahead of time includes letting the child know how you will handle misbehavior. You never want a consequence to be a surprise.
For example: “We are going to walk in the park. I want you to stay right beside me on the sidewalk, and hold my hand while we walk.” If I have to tell you more than 2x’s to hold my hand:
Options for consequences:
“we will leave the park and go home”.
OR
“you will have to sit in the stroller”.
OR
“you will lose screen time later”.
OR
“we will not get ice cream after”.
Other important tips for communicating clearly with your child include:
State your command directly
There is a difference between telling and asking/suggesting your child do something. Be mindful about telling your child to do something when a task is important to you or necessary.
Example: “Please turn off the tablet vs Can you turn off the tablet”?
“Can you”, “will you”, and “let’s” are less effective commands when you need/want your child to comply. “Let’s” commands are less effective because it sounds like the adult is included in the action.
Part of effectively communicating with your child is being sure that your command states that they are expected to complete the tasks.
Example: “Please put away the magnets in the bag” vs “Let’s put away the magnets in the bag”.
2. Give commands one at a time
Giving multiple commands at once can make it difficult for some children to comply as they may forget all the steps. Also, when you give more than one command it becomes tricky for the parent to manage. What do you do if they only listen to part of the command? We don’t want to accidentally reinforce listening to half of what you tell them.
Instead, try:
Parent says: “Put away the cars”.
*Child complies
Parent says: “Thanks for listening. Now, put the magnets in the blue bag”.
3. Use language you know they understand and be sure tasks are developmentally appropriate for their age
Since direct commands are reserved for when the parent intends to follow through, it would be unfair to the child to give a direct command for a task the child is not yet capable of doing on their own or does not understand.
4. Only give commands when you intend to follow through with a consequence
Following through as it is is hard. It requires time and energy. Now imagine if all day you are solely using direct commands as a way to manage your child’s behavior. Not only will you be exhausted, but your child will quickly get frustrated.
It is most effective to only use direct commands for situations that are important/necessary and you plan on following through if your child does not comply.
Tip 3: Be Prepared to Follow-Through.
It’s not uncommon for kids to misbehave in public when they know that there is no consequence for their behavior. Much of what kids learn is through our behavior.
The more predictable and consistent your behavior is the less likely they will push buttons and the more cooperative they will be.
Being prepared with a consequence you feel comfortable implementing and is feasible for you to implement will help you feel more confident in managing your child’s behavior in public.
Here are examples of effective consequences you can consider when managing public behavior:
Logical consequences
Tip 4: Reinforce Positive Behavior.
Did you know that kids also learn how to behave through praise?
Praise is an extremely powerful teaching tool when used appropriately.
There are two types of praise. Unlabeled praises and labeled praises. Kids need adults to be specific in order for them to learn best. This also helps increase the likelihood that they will repeat the behavior in the future.
Labeled praises are the most effective type of praise as it connects for the child the appropriate behavior they are engaging in.
For example: “Thank you for holding my hand as we cross the street” vs “Thank you”.
Labeled praises not only help reinforce good behavior, but they also show approval and encourage kids to keep engaging in that behavior.
Your attention as a parent is extremely powerful. Use it selectively to help teach your child how to behave.
Some additional ingredients to making labeled praises effective are:
Stating labeled praises in a positive way
Be careful with praise that sounds like, “Good job not yelling.” Here you are only telling the child what they are not doing and it does not clearly illustrate what exactly is the appropriate behavior. This also particularly makes it challenging for young children to learn.
Instead say, “Good job speaking quietly”.
2. Frequently praising the behavior your want to increase
Changing behavior takes practice and your child is learning. Therefore, just like anything in life you are learning you have to frequently practice.In this case if you want your child to speak quietly when at a restaurant. You have to be mindful about observing the behavior and when you notice it giving your child consistent praise for it.
3. Be mindful of positive opposites for your target behaviors
It is important to be aware of the behaviors you want to improve in your child. In doing so, you can more effectively work on teaching your child your target behaviors. Let’s say this is a list of the problem behaviors you want to work on:
Interrupting
Running in stores
Playing with food in restaurants
Next, identify the appropriate observable behavior you can reinforce that will target that problem behavior you want to change.
Interrupting
Waiting for turn to talk
Running in stores
Walking
Playing with food at restaurants
Using utensils to eat
Then, make an effort to look for these behaviors. They exist!
It may not feel like the behaviors exist since they are happening a few times. Also, sometimes we are distracted or overwhelmed with correcting misbehavior that we forget to notice the times the child is behaving appropriately.
In addition to labeled praises, giving your child access to a reward that they find motivating can be another way to encourage and teach good behavior.
The key to a good reward system is 1) the child is motivated by the reward 2) the parent is comfortable with the child having access to the reward 3) the parent is able to give the child access to the reward when it is earned 4) the reward is immediate (particularly for young children)
For older children, it is a good idea to include them in the conversation of what reward they would like to earn access to for meeting your behavioral expectation.
In including them in the conversation you are 1) confirming motivation for the reward 2) working together 3) helping increase buy-in to the reward system.
Another important element of rewards systems is that the parent can realistically give the child access to the reward.
If it is a reward that is difficult to follow through it would be best to pick something else more feasible.
After you have determined what your expectations are, what the reward is, and how your child will earn the reward you then want to explain the system to your child before you start implementing it.
Here are some ideas for rewards:
Stickers
A special treat
A small toy they’ve wanted
If you are at a mall, walking into a store they like
Screen time
Extra book for bedtime
Going to the park
Later bedtime
Choosing a movie to watch together
Family dance party
Choosing a special dinner
Baking together
Doing a special craft together
Bath with extra bubbles
Tip 5: Keep Your Child Busy
Another reason kids misbehave in public situations is simply because they are bored. To help prevent negative behaviors that can happen due to boredom, plan to have toys and activities to keep your child busy when you plan on being outside of your home for a long period of time or for situations your child will be required to wait a while.
Examples of ways to keep your child entertained:
Have them help you with a task
Bring multiple options of toys
Bring a snack
Play I-Spy
Play games such as:
Finding objects that start with a certain letter or are a certain color
Counting objects
Plan some time in your trip to do something they enjoy
Have them pack a backpack of fun items
This helps increase their buy-in since they get to choose
Conclusion
Much of effectively managing children’s behavior outside of the home is having a plan and clearly communicating with your child that plan.
When creating that plan is important to think about what your behavioral expectations are, be mindful of where you are going and what your child may need, having things to keep them busy, knowing what consequences you will use if they do not comply, and how you plan on reinforcing the good behaviors to teach them how to behave in public situations.
Remember that teaching your child how to behave in public takes lots of practice and is best to start small. As your child’s behavior improves you can then slowly increase the amount of time and decrease the amount of breaks needed.
There you have it, a set of tools to help set both you and your child up for success!
If you want more help in managing your child’s behavior in public and learn to feel confident in doing so, at Empowering Families Counseling we are here to help.
Are you ready to start implementing these skills?
