A Guide for Managing Child Anxiety
What you’ll learn:
How to help your child cope with anxiety.
What’s the best way for parents to respond to an anxious child?
How can parents help kids stay calm in stressful situations?
I. Understanding Anxiety
Anxiety is normal.
Everyone (adults and children) experience it from time to time.
For example, your child might feel anxious about starting a new school or having an exam to study for.
Anxiety can be helpful in some situations.
Anxiety can be helpful in giving us the push and motivation to do things.
For example, if you are feeling anxious about an upcoming test or presentation it can help give you the motivation to study harder or practice more.
Anxiety can become problematic if it prevents us from doing the things we need or want to do.
The main reaction to anxiety is to avoid.
Although it may reduce anxiety in the short-term, it can maintain or worsen the fear in the long-term.
This reaction is helpful when we are in actual danger (such as seeing a bear) but it becomes problematic when not-so-dangerous situations are scarier and feel more dangerous than they actually are.
The goal of anxiety therapy is not to turn off or get rid of anxiety altogether, but rather to increase its threshold for going off and to help calibrate to situations in which anxiety is appropriate.
II. Causes of anxiety in children
Anxiety can be genetic and/or activated by environmental factors. Anxiety is not the fault of the child or caregiver(s) and the ways caregivers respond to children’s anxiety can maintain or worsen anxiety.
With the right strategies caregivers can reduce their child’s anxiety and effectively support them.
Understanding how anxiety can be reinforced
The way a caregiver responds to a child’s anxiety can have a huge impact. Let’s face it, seeing a child crying, clinging, yelling, asking for your help can be extremely challenging as a parent to ignore. It’s only natural when you see your child in distress to want to protect them.
However, we know that the best way to cope with anxiety is to slowly face your fears.
Although, allowing your child to not go to school because they cry every morning when you take them in fear of being away from you will temporarily make them stop, it will only intensify the fear as the real problem is not going away.
The fear of going to school and being away from you will still be there tomorrow until you help support them in facing their fear and teaching them that it is safe.
There are three ways caregivers can accidentally maintain or worsen anxiety in children.
Accommodation: allowing the child to avoid feared situations.
Allowing a child to avoid a fearful situation can momentarily ease a child’s anxiety. However, it sends the message that the situation must be “dangerous” because it caused the parent to remove the child from the situation.
For example, a child who is afraid of elevators. A parent’s natural response might be to go up the stairs with the child instead. Doing so allowed the child to avoid and maintained the fear of elevators.
2. Providing excessive reassurance: providing too much attention to the child’s worry talk or anxious behaviors to try to comfort the child.This may comfort the child in the short-term, but reinforces the behavior in the long-term.
For some children, asking for reassurance about the same situation over and over again becomes an unhelpful way of coping.
For example, they’ll ask you lots of questions or ask the same questions multiple times in order to hear from you that things they are worried about will be okay.
Some examples of reassurance seeking:
“Are you sure you locked all the doors?”
Asking parents to check homework repeatedly to make sure there are no mistakes.
Calling parents over and over again on the phone from school to make sure they are okay.
For a parent, this can be exhausting as it becomes a bottomless pit.No matter how much reassurance you give it never seems enough.
3. Missing opportunities to praise brave behavior: providing little to no attention to the child when (s)he demonstrates brave behavior in situations that make them feel worried.
These behaviors may be expected, but challenging, for the child to demonstrate and serve as opportunities for reinforcement.
While there are ways caregiver responses can serve to maintain or worsen anxiety, caregiver attention can be just as powerful in reinforcing “brave” (i.e., approach-oriented) behaviors, as well.
Selective attention (i.e., positive attention to brave behaviors; ignoring avoidant behaviors) helps the child engage in brave behavior more frequently.
To help support an anxious child confront their fears, instead of allowing them to avoid give them an opportunity to practice being brave. Using praise and giving them a chance to try will help teach them that they can conquer their fears.
III. Tips for Managing Child Anxiety
A. Model brave and calm behavior
Children look to their caregivers to gage if a situation is safe or not.
By modeling calm behavior in an anxiety producing situation for a child, you help send the message that the situation is safe and okay for the child.
Also, by modeling staying calm you show the child that the anxiety can be managed.
You can practice this by practicing taking your own deep breaths as you approach the anxious situation or talk about the anxious situation with the child. Doing so, not only teaches them how to handle their own anxiety but also reinforces the idea that they are not alone in facing their fears.
By modeling brave behavior, you empower your child to confront anxiety with confidence and resilience.
B. Label the emotion
Labeling the emotion when your child is feeling anxious is a crucial step in helping them understand and manage their feelings. The more a child is able to identify how they feel the better they will get at coping with their emotions.
Start by gently acknowledging what you observe, using simple and clear language. For instance, you might say, "I see that you're feeling worried about going to school today."
This not only validates their experience but also helps them identify and articulate their emotions.
By naming the emotion, you provide your child with the words to express what they're going through, which can be empowering and comforting. It also opens the door for further conversation about their feelings and how to cope with them.
Remember, the goal is to create a safe space where your child feels heard and understood, which can significantly reduce the intensity of their anxiety.
C. Praise ANY brave behavior, attempts, or examples of healthy coping
Praising a child's brave behaviors and examples of healthy coping is essential because it reinforces positive behaviors and builds their self-esteem.
When you acknowledge their courage in facing fears or using effective coping strategies, it encourages them to continue these behaviors in the future.
For instance, if a child speaks up in class despite feeling anxious, praising them for their bravery helps them associate that action with positive outcomes. This not only boosts their confidence but also teaches them that it's okay to feel anxious while still taking steps to manage those feelings.
Examples include the following:
a. “Great job taking deep breaths.”
b. “Wow, you calmed down all by yourself! I’m so proud of you!”
c. “Thanks for trying something new!”
d. “You did such a great job being brave by walking into the classroom alone!”
e. “Thanks for trying again even though it was hard the first time.”
f. “Great job trying even though that made you feel frustrated.”
g. “That was great how you used nice words even though you were feeling angry.”
Want to learn more about how to validate your child’s emotions and how to effectively use praise as teaching tool? Learn more in this blog.
D. Avoid providing excessive reassurance
This may comfort the child in the short-term, but reinforces the behavior in the long-term.
Providing excessive reassurance to an anxious child can accidentally reinforce their fears. Instead of helping them build confidence in managing their emotions, it may lead them to rely on constant reassurance, which can hinder their ability to cope independently.
Instead, let them know the facts of what they can expect and limit responding to reassurance seeking.
For example, a child who is anxious about separating from their caregiver for school drop-off. The caregiver can let the child know in clear and neutral language what they can expect before they get to school. “Mommy, will get to the drop-off line and Ms. Smith will open the door to take you to class. I will pick you later and we will go to soccer today.”
Using neutral language allows the child to understand what they can expect. Oftentimes, when children are feeling worried they are in their head thinking about “what ifs” or worst possible outcomes.
E. Teach Coping Strategies
Teaching kids coping skills is an essential part of helping them manage anxiety and cope with their emotions. Since the child is learning a new skill it is important to frequently practice these strategies during calm moments. Doing so will allow the child to learn the skill so they can later remember how to use it when they are feeling anxious.
It is based to incorporate practicing coping skills in your routine to help create predictability and help caregivers remember to practice with the child.
You can also use books as a tool for teaching your child about emotions and coping skills.
Below is a list of resources.
The Color Monster by Anna Llenas
My Magic Breath by Allison Taylor
A World of Pausabilities by Frank J. Sileo
The Way I Feel by Janan Cain
When I Feel Angry by Cornelia Maude Spelman
Cool Down and Work Through Anger by Cheri J. Meiners M.Ed.
Angry Octopus by Lori Lite and Max Stasuyk
Calm-Down Time by Elizabeth Verdick
V. Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating childhood anxiety requires a balance of support and encouragement, as well as the development of healthy coping mechanisms. By following these guidelines, parents can empower their children to confront their fears and manage their anxiety effectively.
Seeking professional guidance from licensed therapists, such as those at Empowering Families Counseling can provide invaluable support and resources for families navigating childhood anxiety such as individual child anxiety support and parent support sessions.
With patience, understanding, and the right tools, parents can help their children build resilience and thrive in the face of anxiety.
For additional information, on how we can support schedule a free phone consultation today!
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